A Microchip in My Hip
Or How To Get Roadside Service Without Calling Home.

by Judith Haney

USNEWSLINK/January 20, 2002

One of these days I expect to receive something in the mail similar to "Greetings From The President of the United States."

The content of the letter will read something like this:

"You have been selected to participate in the first national testing of the efficacy of a new microchip developed for homosapians (humans).

"The test is underwritten and sponsored by a quasi-governmental group of risk-takers, pinheads, politicians, spurned ex-spouses, contract hit-men, process servers, private investigators, and heavy weapon manufacturers.

"When you arrive you will be asked to remove your clothing and change into something a little more comfortable, i.e., a nightgown-like robe that is constructed of incandescent threads of plutonium (the safest kind of course).

"When you have re-dressed and re-emerged into the group of other nameless participants you will begin the painless process of preparing for the implantation into your hip of your chip.

"Your chip will contain the following information:

1. your date of birth;

2. pictures of you, front, back and sideways;

3. the sound of your voice reciting the Declaration of Independence;

4. a copy of your birth certificate:

5. a sample of your handwriting;

6. your social security number;

7. your current address and telephone number;

8. your height and weight (absolutely no lying about this will be tolerated);

9. the names of your father, mother, siblings, grandparents, and your children;

10. the answer to a secret question such as your mother's maiden name or the name of your pet. (Comment: you will have provided us the answer prior to receiving your hip-chip because afterwards you won't remember a thing.)

"When the chip has been successfully implanted into your hip you will be asked to move to the next phase of testing which involves the administration of a painless, odorless, drug which will remove from your brain and consciousness, all memory of who you are, where you are, or if you were ever born.

"After your memory has been completely, totally, erased, you will be asked to drive your car to the place of your choice whereupon after one whole day has elapsed, we will attempt to find you. (Those of you who fail to drive somewhere preferring instead to camp out in our parking lot will be disqualified from further participation and will be henceforth on your own).

"If and when we are successful in locating you, you will be rewarded with a lifetime supply of a drug that reverses the drug we gave you which erased your memory.

"If this drug fails to reverse the effects of the memory black out drug, you will be required to check-in with a physician of your choice every week for the rest of your life, or until your memory is restored, for the purpose of confirming your identity and your ability to reintegrate back into society as you once knew it.

"Now to the part that no one likes to talk about. This list contains a few drawbacks to the hip-chip:

1. your chip will set off any and all alarm systems that you come within 5 feet of;

2. any terrorist with a Geiger counter will be able to locate your chip and remove it and re-implant it into him/herself;

3. you will never, ever, ever be anonymous again;

4. your every move will be tracked by satellite until the end of time, even after you are dead;

5. no more skipping work and fooling around on your spouse, your immediate whereabouts can be determined with the flip of a switch;

6. if you're a terrorist, or associate with terrorists,  you can be identified, located, and 'taken out' by a heat seeking missile;"

7. your hip-chip doubles as a small transistor which allows all of your telephone conversations, whether on a land line or a cell phone, to be broadcast on a special hip-chip, short-wave, radio channel for the nation's entertainment and pleasure."

R.S.V.P. required.